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” My mother asks.“I just don’t know how to have that conversation.”“How about ‘hey-”“Don’t say the name!”“Hey, You-Know-Who, I bought you a Christmas present.”“I can’t!” I hear my father flipping channels.“So I don’t trust your timetable!”My first boyfriend and I had been dating two months when Christmas came along.”“He’s watching The Godfather again,” my mom says, then: “You do care about-”“Don’t say the name!Not only do I try to keep hand-job references to a minimum with them, but I don’t believe past trauma excuses present dysfunction.When he broke up with me the next day, I pointed out that maybe he should have pulled the plug before I gave him a Christmas present, not to mention a hand-job., joining is quick and easy, there are no membership fees for messaging other members, no pop-ups, and no annoying emails full of adverts.

I imagine handing over a Christmas present, one I’ve clearly taken time to pick out and purchase.

“I need dumber friends.”I still have a picture of my first boyfriend and me somewhere.

Behind us, Christmas lights set the icy window aglow.

(Nor, arguably, is letting one’s parents this far into one’s personal life, but one dysfunction per post please.)So what is normal at five months?

It also tries to change my question to “What’s normal to buy you’re (sic) girlfriend if she’s 13?

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